I don't remember much of it because they gave me something to relax, through an IV. I do remember telling them that it hurt, even if I can't remember the pain it must have been very painful because if I am saying it hurt when I had something to relax me, it must have been horrible. When the abortion was finished they took me into the recovery room where several girls were. Bob was unable to come in with me because it would be uncomfortable for the other girls in there. The nurse asked me if I wanted to see what they took out and I said yes. It didn't look like much, but I felt emptiness. I was in pain for weeks afterwards, bad cramping and spotting. I called to make sure it was normal and they said as long as I don't have a fever it was.

Since the abortion my periods were on time. This past year I missed 3 months, and had to go on a hormone to get it started. I just missed another 2 months and decided it was time to get checked out. I went to the gynecologist for my annual check up and found out that I have cysts on my ovaries and have scar tissue on the lining of my uterus. He told me that the scaring is from the abortion, and I will probably not be able to have kids. For some of you this may sound good now, but think ahead in life. When you get married don't you want a family? My abortion has caused me so many problems in my life. From depression to eating disorders, to guilt and regret. I have a hard time being around babies who would be the same age as my baby had I decided to have it. I am no longer with Bob, after 2.5 years I realized how much I was been verbally abused and manipulated. I look back and can only learn from the mistakes I have made.

With every experience you have you grow. I can only share my story, because I am unable to go back and change the decision I made."

the above story sent in by Tonya, age 21

Less than a year later I was pregnant again. We married and I gave birth to a boy. Three month later I was pregnant again. We both thought it was to early to have another child. I killed my second baby. I still felt no remorse. Six years later my husband and I were having problems. I found out I was pregnant at age 28. This time I wanted to have my baby. He told me no, it was better to abort. We scheduled an appointment and I still was trying to convince him to let me keep the baby. He told me it would be better not to have it. I entered the room so they could prepare my cervix to contract. I would go home and come back the next day. We went back the next day. They did an ultra sound and discovered I had twins. I asked for a moment to speak to my husband. I found him outside. I sat down beside him and begged him to let me keep the babies. He convinced me we could not afford them. I went back inside and killed my twins. Less than a year later I was divorced and my ex-husband and his girlfriend were expecting a baby.

A year later I met my future third husband and we struggled through many obstacles. Three years later I found out I was pregnant. I spent most of my pregnancy alone. My soon-to-be husband would come home when ever he wanted. During this time alone I started reaching out to God. He had been near and I never reached out to take his hand. I began wanting a personal relationship with God. I didn't want my children growing up in a drug and alcoholic home. I prayed and trusted in God that he would deliver our family.

One day the Lord touched my husband and we both have been serving him for eight years. He was delivered from drugs and alcohol. We married February 14 and my son was born July 16. I was reborn Nov 16.

My story doesn't go into great detail about my life and even reflecting on my circumstances gave me no excuse to have done what I did to God's children. I read it and feel sick that I could be that person. I was so self absorbed with myself that I didn't care what God or my innocent babies felt. I have paid the price dearly and even though God has forgiven me I struggle with a life sentence of guilt.

I have never shared this with anyone till today. I hope this will help someone if they ever have this kind of decision to make. If you know not God, search for him. You only need to reach out--He is near. Please know that the simple and quickest solution is usually not always the right one. This quick easy fix will haunt you till you die. Let me tell you I don't know you, but I have already prayed that God may hear my prayer for you. God Bless You!"

the above story sent in by A.B.

Please feed my baby when he is hungry, Lord... Mommy can't do it right now.
And when he is sleepy, Lord, please hold him and sing him a song... mommy can't do it right now.
When it is bath time, please wash his face, Lord, and kiss him when it's clean.
Make sure to put lotion on him and comb his soft hair because mommy can't do it right now.

When you hold him in Your arms, Lord, kiss him on his little nose, for mommy can't do it right now. When he smiles, smile back. When he laughs, laugh with him. When he hurts, please help him because mommy cant do it right now.

I am so sorry for what mommy has done. I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you from harm and hurt. I took you from the safest place you could be. I took your life, but not your soul.

You were torn apart inside me and flushed down the drain. Your arms and legs torn and mangled... your little arms and legs that mommy should have kissed and put lotion on. Your feet that mommy should have put little socks on. Your small hands that mommy would wipe off after lunch, and would pull my hair. Your little heart that should beat strong, day and night while you explored your new world, until you would grow old and God would take you up to His house.

I would give anything. I wish I could stop breathing for eternity, to give you your first breath. Mommy wanted to die with you so I could go to heaven and hold you. But mommy can't do it right now.

You have a little brother. His name is Kristopher, and mommy has to stay here and help him grow here on earth. I love him just as much as I love you.

But I love you right now
I miss you right now
I want to hold you right now
I'm empty right now
I'm sad
and I'm crying right now
Please forgive me, I hate myself.

I am sorry I didn't realize how much I love you until it was too late.

love FOREVER, Mommy

This is a letter I wrote to my baby about one year after my abortion. I won't tell you my whole story, but I will tell you this. By the Grace of God, I still don't know how, but I found a bible study called PACE-Post-Abortion Counseling and Education. There, I found women like me; struggling with the choice they made that had affected every aspect of their lives in the worst, most horrible ways, and trying to just live through it. Instead, we learned how to grow from it and the Lord was our teacher. After all, He has our children.

The only # I have is local, in Spokane, WA. It is called Life Services and the # is 1-509-327-0701 and ask if they have an 800# to locate a PACE leader in your area. The book we used is called "Forgiven and set Free" by Linda Cochrane.

I am so much better now. I still have to struggle with some things, but I know how to deal and ask God to help.

He will wipe every tear from their eye..."

the above story sent in by Sara, age 23

When I was 15 (I am now 30) I also had an abortion. I became a Christian within a year of the abortion. Despite my new faith, for years the abortion was the defining point in my life. My marriage and the way I raised my other children revolved around what I had done and the guilt I felt. I had no hope that life would ever be different. I believed that God would punish me forever and I would never get over the abortion.

I am so grateful to God that he didn't really feel like this. He forgave me, absolutely and completely the very first time I asked him. Despite this I carried around all this pain for ten years because I could not forgive myself.

My life today is so amazingly different from my former life of pain and torment. I finally got to the point where I had to forgive myself. My life was self destructing and the Holy Spirit would not let me go. He kept challenging me that there was more to life than pain, depression and guilt. Finally after many tears and time spent crying out to God it happened. I forgave myself. It was only through his power and love that I could do it. I felt great but I really had no idea how much this would change my life.

The guilt that had overpowered my life was gone. The word abortion no longer made me cry. When I think about my abortion experience now it is with hope. The hope of a new life and the hope of seeing my little one again in heaven.

I suppose the moral of the story is that God is not only a God that forgives but a God that heals. If you are living with the pain of abortion please, please push into God. He will heal you. I know, because he did it for me. God bless you all."

the above story sent in by K.T., age 30

My pregnancy went well (despite my ex-husband's whining about it) until the last eight weeks. I got extremely ill (pre-eclampsia) and had to be on bed rest. My son was born 11 days early, healthy and perfect even though I had almost died while in labor and he had to be delivered through emergency c-section. I went into seizures later that evening after the birth and had to be resuscitated three times that night. I thank God I have no memory of it, I simply remember waking up the following morning with lots of tubes and monitors and arms and legs restrained to the bed. As my ex was no where to be found, my dad had to sign papers claiming responsibility for and granting temporary custody of my son if I did not live through the night. I thank God that He gave my parents the strength to stand behind me and my son that night!

Sometimes the decision for life is a hard one. Even though my ex made life difficult throughout my pregnancy and he was even worse once my son was born (this was why I divorced him) I wouldn't have traded my son's life for "pleasing" my ex or his mother. I am especially grateful to God for the gift of my son--and His timing--because I have medical problems--high blood pressure, arthritis and a known tendency for pre-eclampsia--that make pregnancy difficult or impossible and the risks increase with age. On medical advice I chose permanent sterilization and cannot have any more children, but if I hadn't had my son when I did I doubt if I had been able to have any children at all.

I have friends who thought abortion was the easy way out, friends who thought they could keep their husbands or boyfriends by having abortions. Those relationships will end anyway: why not let the innocent child have a chance? A man who despises and would willingly kill his own child is not worthy to be your husband! God knew that child from the minute of conception and before. That child is part of God's plan. My son is eleven now, a child of God, precious in His sight. Don't let "well-meaning" so called friends or relatives try to make you do something you know is wrong. God has a plan for you and your child, whether it be for you to find a way to provide for your child or the loving choice of adoption. God will walk with you--and carry you over the rough spots--if only you choose to ask Him to."

the above story sent in by T. Price, age 33

I had my abortion on August 13th 1998. It's a date I will NEVER forget. My boyfriend didn't come with me to the clinic... he said he had to work. So his mom went with me. At the time I didn't think anything of it but now I wonder if she came not for support but because she didn't want me to have the baby and wanted to make sure that I went through with it. Read on and you'll see why.

I remember having to wait a long time and when it was finally my turn I wasn't even nervous... I guess I was too numb to be. I now wonder why his mom never asked me if this is something that I was sure I wanted to do. All she said was that I should keep a journal on how I feel so that I can read over it later and know that I made the decision I thought was best at the time. I remember looking to my left and out the window I could see protestors. I was so numb that it didn't even click that they were out there protesting about what I was in there doing. I just looked around the waiting room. I don't know what I was thinking. I remember when I was changing into my gown I looked out the window and the fresh air was blowing. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking that I would just have this abortion and things would go back to normal. That's what I honestly thought cause I felt like I was broken when I was pregnant. Like I needed to be fixed. I opted to go to sleep for my abortion, which by that I should have known that if I was to afraid to be awake, I shouldn't have been having an abortion. I remember the doctor saying I would be asleep soon. Then they were just talking amongst themselves like what they were about to do was NO BIG DEAL! Out of the corner of my eye I could see a doctor standing there looking at me. I was crying. Looking back I wish I had of jumped up from the table and said "NO I CHANGED MY MIND. I WANT MY BABY! I WANT MY BABY!" But I just let myself fall asleep and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for that.

I woke up calling out my boyfriend's name. I think that deep down it bothered me that he wasn't there for me. After the clinic his mom took me to her house and he came over a little bit after that. (short day at work huh?!) I didn't even want to look at him. He asked me if I was ok and at first I didn't answer him. He asked me again and I answered him only cause I wanted him to shut up. Later on in November ON MY BIRTHDAY the mother of his kids called his house to talk to him and I answered the phone. I found out he had told her about my abortion and she started saying all this crazy stuff like he didn't want the baby and he never made her get an abortion and all this stuff and I felt so betrayed that he had told her about something so personal. After that it was all downhill. I got so depressed and bitter towards him. But now, 4 years and quite a few tears later, I'm starting to heal. I've taken a post-abortion Bible study class called H.E.A.R.T (Healing Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma) which you can find out more about on the H.E.A.R.T. board. and I have forgiven the father of my baby. We have started to talk about what happened and know that we were both responsible for the abortion now. It took a long time for him to admit that he had anything to do with it. My anger and bitterness about it is gone, although I still have those days which is only natural. And so now my goal is to help other women which is why I started this site. Not only do I want to do that, I want to bond with all women who have lost a child through abortion.

If you need a friend who will listen please don't hesitate to email me. I know what you are going there and wish someone had been there for me. emotional_stormsAThotmail.com"

the above story sent in by Mommy By Heart, age 24

I found out that I was pregnant and my boyfriend at the time was almost happy about it. He did want me to have an abortion though. My mom passed away when I was 10 years old, so the only person I could tell was my father. Boy that was hard!

My father, his girlfriend and my boyfriend all went with me to my appointment. I could not let my boyfriend in the room when I had the procedure...my dad either. I was way too ashamed. So I had my dad's girlfriend come in with me.

Ever since that day, I still think of how much of a coward I was. How much I just ran away from the situation. I begged for forgiveness from God. Now reading that others, like me, have had the same emotions really helps me see that it is ok and it did happen for a reason. I just hope that the reason is to help others not to make the same decision that I made."

the above story sent in by Amanda, age 24

I was 13 weeks when I did it. And now I wish I wouldn't have. I could have given that baby to someone who would never get to experience motherhood but I didn't. I killed it, and I hate myself for that. I hurt every time I think about it (which is every day). I know God will forgive me but will He understand and let me into heaven? I am a good person I just made a horrible mistake. I will spend the rest of my life regretting this.

So if anyone out there thinks about getting an abortion, think long and hard about it. It will stick with you for the rest of your life and it will hurt every time you think about it. I've been there. I know. I have no one to talk to about it, so I talk to God. He puts nothing on you you can't handle, remember that."

the above story sent in by Shirley

The years passed and then one day it hit me what I had done to an innocent life. My parents would have understood if I would have just given them the chance. I felt so guilty every time I saw a baby. I would think of how old my child would have been, what he or she would look like and I wanted to go back so bad and take it all back. I married, turned my life to God and it took us 6 years to get pregnant. I now have a 2 year old.

I would like to encourage anyone who is thinking about an abortion to please pray about it. The doctors will tell you that it is just a fetus. This fetus has a heart beat at 6 weeks and arms and legs. Give life a chance, please you don't want to always think what could have been. I do know that my baby is with Jesus and one day I will get to hold him/her."

the above story sent in by Gina

I am making this story as short as possible, because I am not sure how much detail I can use. To make a long story short, I went to the abortion clinic alone, dropped off by a long time friend of my mother's. The women were lined up in a military fashion, and ushered through a course of rooms leading up to the procedure. I was given an injection and asked to count backwards, where sleep stole away my consciousness. When I woke up, there was blood, lots of blood between my legs, and I had never felt that kind of pain in my life. It was excruciating.

I left the clinic, and was picked up by my mother, who was a complete wreck. She is a Christian, and had begged me for weeks not to go through with it. She insisted that her church had prayed for me, and that if I would just keep the baby, she would help me...God would help me. But I was afraid. Ashamed at having been abandoned by the baby's father. Nothing could even equal the unbearable pain of guilt that overshadowed me every day after the abortion. The thoughts that ran through my head. The sound of my child's voice. Shame I felt in the presence of God who I know still loved me even though I committed this heinous act. This unnecessary act.

A month after my abortion, I began receiving letters in the mail from the abortion clinic. You see, I had changed my phone number to prevent my ex-boyfriend from calling me. I hated him and his lack of compassion for me. For our lost baby. His words burned cold on my heart, 'If you have 'it' my life will be ruined, and so will yours.' I wouldn't respond to the letters until one threatening letter came, telling me that it was absolutely urgent that I come and have an exam done, to insure no traces of the abortion had been missed, which could cause severe infection.

Finally, I made the appointment. When I was given a pelvic exam, the nurse said, 'Huh?' I asked her what was wrong? She said, 'I need to do an ultrasound.' I asked if I could see too? I was only curious, expecting nothing. Her response will never escape my mind to this day. She said, 'Well there's nothing to see here except a blob of missed tissue.' A blob of missed tissue? That didn't make since to me. I asked her to let me see. She said again there was nothing to see but a mass of missed tissue, and it was against policy to allow me to view it. (This was at Planned Parenthood in 1995 or so.)

I was told to speak to the doctor on Friday when I came back, because from what she could tell, I needed the procedure repeated! My worst nightmare come true. I would have to endure the worst thing that has ever happened to me---for the second time! I showed up on the following Friday, a painful three day wait. My nerves were a mess!

The doctor was only frank with me after I asked for her to give it to me straight. I asked her, 'Tell me the truth Doctor; this blob of tissue is the baby, isn't it? I'm still pregnant, huh?' She confirmed that I was. 'But I doubt the fetus is even viable, and is probably deformed and missing limbs, or brain-damaged, and we MUST REPEST THE PROCEDURE IMMEDIATELY!' She was really trying to sell me on the repeat procedure. I wasn't having it. I said, 'How did you know to contact me? How did you know it went wrong?' She explained that the pathologist never found any signs of fetal tissue. It was probably placental tissue ...I said, 'What do you mean placental tissue? The uterus is the size of a fist at this state in pregnancy. How do you 'miss' a suction abortion? There's no way you miss!!!!'

They didn't miss. God put His very hand in front of that machine and shielded my baby. He protected it. God showed me more mercy. Mercy I never deserved. He showed mercy to someone like me. Insignificant, a nobody!

I found a Christian doctor who told me if I wanted to keep the baby, he was very much a viable pregnancy, and unharmed, and healthy! I would not mock God's grace, and kept him. Ryan is now 5 years old, beautiful, extremely intelligent, sweet and has a heart for the Lord.

God hears every prayer. Don't be fooled. When my mom told me her whole church had prayed for me, she wasn't lying! God heard every prayer, and gave me what almost every woman who has had abortion wishes she had: A second chance."

the above story sent in by Kari, age 32

I was in such denial I took 3 tests (2 at home and one at the clinic on campus.) I was in my senior year of college. I had my whole life ahead of me. I didn't know what to do. What made it worse was my boyfriend (who grew up his whole life in church) said I had no other decision to make but to terminate my pregnancy. I never felt so alone in my life. Instead of turning to God I listened to him and my fears.

My best friend who is also a Christian tried to talk me out of it. But I didn't listen. I remember going to the clinic in a daze. They put me under so I don't have any recollection. I just remember waking up in a panic. The realization of what I had done was overwhelming. Before the procedure was done I had an ultrasound and I saw my unborn child. When I woke up that was the first thing I saw before my eyes.

A few weeks later I had to go back to the clinic for a check up. I just remember sitting there in the waiting room, wanting to tell the girls there not to do it. I wanted to say something to make them turn back from what would probably be one of the biggest mistake of their lives. But I didn't know what to say.

I have asked God many times to forgive me for my ignorance and lack of faith in him. I know he has but I have had the hardest time forgiving myself. For over a year I held on to those 2 home pregnancy tests and the results from the clinic. I finally was able to start to let go and my first step was to rip those up and throw them away. My boyfriend and I stayed together, it made us stronger but I sometimes threw it in his face. If only he had been more supportive, if only... I had to realize that it hurt him as much as it hurt me.

I was really hurt when his little sister became pregnant. His family was so happy and I felt so guilty that I had denied them a chance to get to know their grandchild and nephew (in my heart I know it was a boy). I still struggle with it. I know its the Devil trying to make me think that God has not forgiven me. So many times I want to have a baby to fill the void that I created when I took the life of my child. But I know God has a plan for me as to when that will happen.

If I could give any advice as to what to do when you find yourself caught between your beliefs and your fears: trust God. Things seem bad when you first confront them, but just having faith makes those fears disappear after time. Please don't cover one mistake with another. God will be your comfort, your provider, your shelter and your protector."

the above story sent in by M.S., age 24

The office reception area was pleasant and warm. The little room where my client was prepared for the operation was not private, but was shared with several other women, some in prep, some in recovery from the abortions. When her name was called we went in together. She assumed the position. A grim and silent doctor performed the quick procedure while a care aid rambled mindlessly on about the next tattoo she was going to get.

I sat holding my girls hand wondering how I ever thought that this was not going to affect me. On the contrary, I knew instantly when the wee life was snuffed out. I felt it. I was shamed to think I had condoned this.

My friend recovered and I drove her back to her shelter. I actually avoided this poor soul for two days. I was worried she want me to tell her it was alright, but it wasn't. I've totally changed my stand on this ...Never will I encourage abortion over adoption again. There is a better way."

the above story sent in by Allie, age 39

At first I was in shock because I was not ready for that and my boyfriend either, I was working here to help my family in my country and I thought it would be really hard for me to have the baby by myself (my boyfriend didn't show me any support, he was immature & had no responsibility and instead of telling me: 'Let's have the baby, I'll help you', he just showed me that abortion would be better ...I did it, but I never wanted to do it. I'm against abortion.

When I first got pregnant, I was young and not ready, but I acted so much better...My first marriage was a disaster, but at least I got my son as a gift (I was not married when I got pregnant, I married because of that). The abortion was my biggest mistake. I should have been stronger and had the baby on my own, but I was so lost...

Sometimes I think: 'How could I be weaker and more stupid than when I was 8 years younger?' My boyfriend married me. We are still together. Now he regrets [our decision then]. I still feel the pain. I suffer every time I see a baby, a pregnant woman ...I wonder if it was she or he, how the baby would look like...and sometimes when we fight, I tell him how much I am still hurt and how [much of a] coward he was...

I don't advise abortion to anybody..."

the above story sent in by Ivana A., age 30

I am 21 years old and just about to graduate college and be a teacher. I am also getting married in 7 months. I am known to my friends and family as the strong one who shows no weakness. I am exactly the opposite. I am weak. I was and still am a Catholic. I have always preached forgiveness to my friends and been fairly involved in the church. When I found out I was pregnant I thought my life was ending. I wanted that dream wedding and my career. Mostly I didn't want my Mom to be disappointed in me.

My fiance never mentioned adoption, much less abortion. He was willing to do anything for me and the baby. It was me who quietly and calmly made that choice. He did try to talk me out of it but mostly was willing to support me no matter what. I made the appointment for the abortion. I was 8 weeks along and couldn't stop looking at baby stuff even after I made my decision. In the clinic I laid on that cold bed, freezing for nearly an hour. That is all I remember. The procedure was so easy, too easy. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to feel something, anything. But I felt nothing, just numbness.

There are mornings where I wake up and wished I hadn't. I have through words asked God to forgive me, but never really believed [the God would grant me such forgiveness.]

Reading all of the stories from women who have found forgiveness through God, gives me hope. But for now I am all alone and for the first time I am lost. I would like to believe that I am searching for my way back to God, but honestly I'm not. I feel that I don't deserve my baby's forgiveness, much less the Saviors. I miss feeling that closeness with my best friend, because that was what God was. For now my prayers have faltered and my heart has shattered. Please pray for me, so that I too can find the strength to believe in the power of forgiveness once again."

the above story sent in by Tracy, age 21

I am twenty one years old and live what many would call a fairy tale life. I have been engaged to my long time boyfriend for 6 months, with the wedding only 5 months away. I am about to graduate from college and become what I always dreamed of, a teacher. Having my life so perfectly planned out has been an obsession of mine for years. I have mapped out my every moment of my life and until I found out I was pregnant, everything was going perfectly.

I knew I was pregnant even before that little pink line appeared on the stick. Seeing that line only made it a reality and forced me to deal with it. My boyfriend was perfect. He never mentioned the word abortion and began planning right away how we would take care of our child. I listened but never heard him. I decided on my own that I would have an abortion. He tried to talk me out of it and even at the last minute asked me if that was what I really wanted. I think what makes it even harder is that it was my choice and I can't blame anyone else.

The procedure was so easy, too easy. I felt no pain but at the same time I lost all emotion. Immediately afterward I tried to forget. I stopped going to church and convinced myself that everything worked out for the better. What a joke. I now know the truth and it hurts more than any physical pain ever could. Every baby, every pregnant mother, every day reminds me off what I so carelessly threw away, a life.

All I want is my best friend back. That best friend was God. I know God forgives and I know the church will accept me back with open arms, but how do I forgive myself? From reading this site and others I found my answer. Through prayer I could find my way back. Realizing this has brought the light back in my life. Every step I take closer back to God, is a step I am thankful for. I am still fighting myself inside, but God has given me back my life. The pain may fade but the memory of what I did will never go away because I won't let it. What will happen is that God's forgiveness will allow me to forgive myself. This doesn't happen overnight but I am working on it. Sites like this one are where I can reach out. Thank you."

the above story sent in by Zoe, age 21

A lady I knew suggested an abortion. She helped me set the appointment and even took me there to have it done. The whole thing was horrible. I remember being terrified and not wanting to remember. I was so sick afterwards. I blocked it from my memory and lied to myself through the years about it. I would get so depressed around October because that is when I had the abortion.

2 years after the abortion I married the first guy that came along [who] asked me. We had two beautiful wonderful daughters. I love them so very much. The marriage was abusive, ended in divorce. God brought a wonderful man into my life and together we were saved.

One night at church almost 13 years later our pastor was talking about the decay of America and how we needed God. He brought up abortion. I felt fire rip through me. I had buried it so deep I didn't think about it. But when he started talking the fire kept burning in me and I hurt and the pain got worse. I wanted to jump up and run but the Holy Ghost kept telling me to stay. I sat there and wept the whole time he talked then he gave an alter call and God delivered me 13 years later of the horrible act I committed.

Even though I had buried that day deep inside of me it still controlled me. I was angry, I had an eating disorder, and so depressed. Never for one moment think that you can forget it. Sooner or later it will catch up to you. I am so blessed that God delivered me. I am ashamed, yes, but I know that I am forgiven and I can use my horrible experience to possibly help someone else not do it. Abortion is murder. We are not God. But, if you had an abortion, God can forgive you. You just have to come to him and ask. We serve an awesome God."

the above story sent in by "KD", age 31

And at the age of 19, I got pregnant. When I found out that I was pregnant, my boyfriend wasn't around (he was overseas), and I did something that I awfully regret till this day. I went for an abortion. It was scary, having no one to turn to at that time. And years later, (it had been 7 years) I'm still thinking about this baby that I killed. I did not know Christ then. I've heard about the story of Jesus Christ but had never really put my heart into believing in Him till years later.

Though I got an abortion, we got married one year later. My marriage had a bad start (with the memories of abortion still lingering in our minds). I married because I wanted to get away from my mom, not because of my love for him. So it was a big struggle for us. But God was so gracious and so merciful to me - He sent His laborers to bring me back to Him. If it wasn't for God's intervention, our marriage wouldn't have lasted till today. After I became a Christian, my marriage did not get better immediately. It took a lot of patient prayers, a lot of humble experience for me to turn this marriage around. No, I should say that God turned this marriage around for us. My husband finally accepted Christ 8 months ago (7/15/2000). We now have a son and a daughter.

If you're thinking of getting an abortion, DON'T. GOD LOVES YOU and He has His divine plans for you and the baby. If you will let Him INTO YOUR HEART, He can do wonders in your life. If He can open the Red Sea for the Israelites thousands of years ago, to let them cross over, and if He can provide food for them while they stayed in the desert for 40 years, He can open a way for you. Abortion is murder. I do not know exactly what God has intended for you, but I do know that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU, all He needs is your faith in Him. Pray to Him and He will answer your prayer. May Jesus Christ send His angels to encamp around you, for He never leave you and never forsake you."

the above story sent in by Jas, age 27

I know on Judgment Day I will have to see my baby that went back to heaven but I asked for forgiveness and I know that it's done. So, may my story be a blessing to someone that is in the same situation. So know that God forgives and you cannot trade life for any material thing on this earth and it may be hard but, in God Word it say he loves and takes care of his children (or) baby..."

the above story sent in by Tangee, age 23

I think that abortion is a selfish and unjust decision for anyone to make. There are other avenues for people to take, adoption being just one. I was young, seventeen, but that's no excuse. I only remember bits and pieces of the whole procedure. I guess when something that awful happens your mind sometimes helps you to forget. I remember the pain, like no other I've ever felt (including labor), but most of the day I just blocked it out of my mind. I could make every excuse in the book, but the fact of the matter is I was just being selfish. My father kept saying that I had my whole life ahead of me, and that it was my only option, he didn't want me to "ruin my life". But, what about the life I did ruin? I hope that my story will change just one persons mind. I am so sorry for my sins, and I know I am forgiven. I just hope that my unborn child can somehow forgive me too."

the above story sent in by B, age 25

I moved in with a friend but she had so many men around I was scared. I went home but my mother said I could not have a baby and live there. She made me an appointment and I went. During the procedure (I was 6 weeks) I started screaming for them to stop because I changed my mind but they said it was too late. I stayed in my room for days and rocked. My heart was so broken.

I gave my life to Jesus 11 years ago and that is the first thing I asked forgiveness for. I have never forgotten my little one. It would be 24 now. What would it have looked like or been like? I will never know in this life so I live with it. It will forever haunt you.

So many people want children. If you can't handle it there are homes and places that will help you find your little one a family. Wouldn't you rather give it to someone and maybe later see it than to know you can never touch or see or hold it ever again? Please listen. I now have a son who is 23, a daughter 20 and a 14 year old daughter. They are beautiful and I know I was forgiven 11 years ago when I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and save me. God bless you and be with you."

the above story sent in by Donna, age 44

That was 29 years ago and I still live the pain which resulted from that horrific decision to this day. Please, anyone out there facing this decision, DON'T let anyone tell you abortion is the answer. It has been the biggest sorrow of my life, and I have to live with it till the day I die. Get support and find someone who cares. Your child deserves a chance at life. Who knows what plans God has for that child?"

the above story sent in by Annette, age 44

My "Christian" husband was very unhappy and used to get quite violent - yelling, punching walls etc. ...I was scared and alone. The church we attended didn't know of these problems and I didn't have any close friends I could tell of my unhappy home life and my feelings of inadequacies about my parenting and marriage. I ended up talking with my husband who actually supported me in going to an abortion clinic. We had counseling and agreed to keep the baby. Everything looked rosy. Then, a couple of weeks later my husband and I had ANOTHER fight. He got so mad he put a hole in the lounge wall.

I was at my wits end and re-admitted myself to the clinic. They performed the "operation" 2 days later. I then lied to my husband and told him the baby died in utero and that I had to have this operation. He met me afterwards and I guess somehow he knew because he left me and the kids to fend for ourselves while he did his own thing. In fact, he demanded a full meal be cooked for him 4 hours after surgery. I was still woozy from the medication and wracked with pain and guilt.

About 3 months later I finally got up the gumption to tell him the truth after I sat Sunday after Sunday in church knowing what I had done. My husband was understanding at the time but it has severely affected our marriage. I have cried and cried for my "lost" baby ever since. I have not gotten pregnant again and couldn't bear to be because I feel I am such a bad person, a bad example for my children to follow. I have begged God for forgiveness (like I did my husband) but I would NEVER EVER recommend abortion as a solution. It doesn't 'get rid of the problem' - it is only the START of the problems - both emotionally and spiritually."

the above story sent in by Carol, age 35

I was date raped but even with that I made a mistake and sinned against God and made myself God to make that decision to end a life. God has forgiven me and I am thankful for God's mercy and forgiveness. I will never entertain the idea of having another abortion ever. We are not God and have no right to make the decision to take a life and snuff it out by having an abortion.

My sister had my nephew at the age of 17; my best friend just had her daughter at the age of 22 (both unwed). I've seen what a struggle they've gone through. I guess I was selfish in my decision that I want to finish college, get married, and then have a baby.

I grew up in church and what I thought was a Christian family. I always knew that Jesus died on the cross to take away my sins, but I never accepted Him and lived the way he intended. As of 04/22/01 I am a born again Christian. I am waiting for the day to be meet my Creator and the child I was too selfish to let live.

PLEASE don't make the same mistake I did. Talk to Jesus, a minister, counselor, teacher, etc. Don't keep this life altering decision to yourself. If you're contemplating such a decision and need someone to listen, don't hesitate to contact me."

the above story sent in by Rhonda, age 21
Contact Rhonda at rhondawentworth@yahoo.com

After graduating and a summer full of sexual encounters, drugs/alcohol and close calls with death, I returned home to my parents house and began working at a local restaurant, not sure of what to do with my life. My friends had all left for college, and I was never the very smart one (or so I thought) and I was too trapped in my own self-pity and depression and sin.

I met a college student that worked at the restaurant and fell in love. After sneaking around his parents backs and mine own, we finally announced we were moving to NYC (where he had grown up) to start a new life and no one could stop us! I regret it to this day! I came closer to a personal hell than I have ever been in when I moved there.

After very hard times (we didn't finish our educations then and jobs were hard to find) I became pregnant after he kept promising me he would marry me, hang in there, things will get better for us, blah, blah, blah! When I told him I was pregnant, thing changed DRAMATICALLY between us. He wanted me to get an abortion. I was so numb and confused that he DIDN'T want to marry me and scared out of my mind (at 19), I agreed. He somehow got the money from somewhere, and we walked about 30 blocks to a local "butcher". I felt like my soul was being removed, along with whatever feelings I had for this idiot I thought was my true love! This began about 6 months of the darkest period of my life.

I don't remember half of it and don't want to. Spent a lot of my days inside, curtains drawn, not answering the phone and drinking A LOT! After deep depression, and thoughts of suicide, the Holy Spirit somehow led me out of Queens and back home, trying to pull my life back together, going to a local community college and trying to mend things with my boyfriend and my family. My then boyfriend decided it would be good for him to join the army and go away to boot camp ...thank goodness! I fell in with the same bad crowd I knew in high school when he left and the whole thing started all over again for me. Except this time, I had a drinking problem.

I worked at local bars, only to drink my pay check. It was horrible... brings tears to my eyes typing it! Well, one morning, I'll never forget it, I woke up and just DID NOT want to live that way anymore and began searching for a way out, as fast as I could! I knew there was a local Navy recruiter down the street, and thankfully, I was able to leave in a week! I signed the next four years of my life away, went through boot camp, training and was stationed overseas before I knew it! I loved what I did and the challenge, but the drinking still kept up. Until I met a beautiful man, at a friends house off-base.

A friend of mine and I were attempting to get out of barracks life and live on the beach. Chris, my now husband, stopped by to use the phone! We were married 3 months later with our first baby, a boy, on the way! We adjusted to married life quickly, and I got out [of the Navy] when we came back to the States in order to raise our son properly. The Lord has been working in my heart since.

I partly married him because of his faith and wanting to know more. I finally knew that I could be forgiven of my sins and have a personal relationship with Christ. I was baptized 3-16-96 and it was the BEGINNING of my new life! I got pregnant again, though, before we moved again and lost the baby at almost 3 months. The baby I lost was as old as the one I had aborted TO THE DAY! It was as if God was saying, 'Ok, you are forgiven. But here's a little bit of the pain I felt when you killed one of MY children.'

I struggled for a while, but never went back to alcohol or drugs, just smoked and had a terrible feeling a self worthlessness for quite some time. I decided to try again for the little girl we so desperately wanted. December 1996 we found out we were going to have TWINS! I was beside my self with joy. They are now 2 and my oldest is 5. I have since quit smoking and have become MUCH more personal with the Lord, His Son and the Holy Spirit.

I am so grateful for knowing Him, for His forgiveness and knowing that the little one I so carelessly let go of, knows I loved him/her very much. I made a promise to love the children I have the best I can and to His glory.

I truly believe there was a purpose for the places I have been and have been so much more peaceful since giving my life over to my Savior, Jesus Christ!

If you are in one of the places I was in and want to know more ...please feel free to contact me! Maybe I can help you find the light at the end of the darkness you feel in your heart and listen; just listen! God bless all who hear/read this message!

the above story sent in by Kim, age 28
Contact Kim at kimilita@yahoo.com

Being in a vulnerable state of mind I believed her even though I really wanted the baby. My mother made all the arrangements and I just went with the flow. My so-called boyfriend became hard to get in contact with and at the moment when I found out that he would be going away on the day that I was due to go into the hospital I decided that I didn't want to have a child with a guy like that who no doubt would want custody of the baby once it was born. So I didn't put up a fight for my babies rights and let my mum take over.

When I laid there before the operation I asked God that if my life was going to stay this depressing I don't want to wake up from the operation! As I laid there in the operating room I saw the machine that the doctor used during the operation and felt so sick! That night I felt so bad I felt like a murderer but I also believe that what happens, happens for a reason. I would not be Christian today if it weren't for that horrible experience.

I believe that we need to educate teenagers about self-worth and waiting until marriage to have sex instead of using abortion as a contraceptive method."

the above story sent in by Mandie, age 21

My mother was a big influence in my life at that time. She said the only option was an abortion. And I believed her. Ah, the easy way out. I made the appointment and was upset when I found out I would have to be awake for the procedure. But I couldn't back out, my mother was coming from out of town to be with me for "support", I had no choice. I remember trying not to think about it, the days before the procedure I remember putting my hand on my stomach and apologizing asking for forgiveness. The day of the procedure came and as I waited I became quite a basket case. I remember them giving me some drugs to help calm me down. The nurse and doctor said it was not too late to change my mind but they didn't understand, my mother was in the waiting room and if I came out still pregnant she would be very upset and she would not help me. So I went through with it.

As the procedure took place I can still remember 8 years later that I felt the very life ripped out of me. I can't explain the emotions I felt at the very moment it was happening to me, LIFE was being pulled from inside of me and I knew it. A little girl, a little boy, I will never know in this lifetime, but it was LIFE and it was being savagely taken from where God had meant it to be. I knew it that moment that I would carry this feeling and pain for the rest of my life. That what I allowed to happen was not the way it was supposed to be. It was not natural, not something my body was created to do. I was not created to be given the choice of whether a child growing inside of me shall live or die. And it's not even a religious statement I make when I say that necessarily, as mother nature and the way we are created as human beings with feelings and emotions has the body set up to create life and give birth, not destroy it. If we were it would not be so devastating and hauntingly painful to have an abortion. If we were created to have this option than it would not eat at our conscious and burden our souls for a lifetime when we made the decision and went through with an abortion. It has been 8 years and I still ache for the life I so selfishly did not allow to be. I will always think of that pregnancy as my first child.

I have 2 children now, twins actually and I wonder why God would bless me with twins when I am so undeserving. They will never know they could have had a little brother or sister. Please, I tell this story so maybe I can stop one more abortion from happening. Please stop and think about what you are doing, it is not the easy way out believe me. You live with it EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE. The guilt will haunt you for an eternity.

There are so many options. It is NOT the worst thing in the world to find yourself pregnant. There's adoption, so many couples would love a baby when they can't have one of their own. Look at your own circumstances, find help in your area. I am not an overly religious person, I certainly wasn't at the time I found myself pregnant. But I do believe in God and I do believe we were not created to have the choice of abortion. When we become pregnant it is no longer just our body, we share our body with another life. Remember that life inside is innocent, it didn't ask to be created, you don't have the right to destroy it. If I could go back in time I would have a beautiful 8 year old life with me now but I can't and I have to live with that for the rest of my life."

the above story sent in by Anonymous, age 29

the above story sent in by Lisa, age 37

I grew up in a very, very, I cannot stress, dysfunctional family. I think and I know we all have, but anyway it was a small town and I did not want to shame my mother. I got pregnant when I was 17 years old for the "first" time. It was through a one night stand with someone I did not know. Because I did know a little bit about Christ and I had always said and was angry at people who chose abortion--that it was murder and I would never never do that. I was pro-life all the way until...it happened to me so you can say I did not practice what I preached.

I remember like it was yesterday because that is the ugly scar and mark abortion leaves on you and in you. I did not know I was pregnant until I got really, really ill. My mother was a nurse, but she still didn't have a clue. She was my support when we went to the doctor together and she was there with me until the doctor called me back and told me I was pregnant. I thought I was going to pass out. At that point, even though my mother encouraged me to do what I wanted to do, in actuality I needed her to help me and put her arms around me and tell me what to do. That never happened but either way was fine with her as long as it was what I wanted to do and most of my life was like that.

I know my mother loved me and meant me no harm, but she did harm me when she allowed a child all her life to make her own decisions in her life. I had the abortion after trying to decide who I was pregnant by. I ended up having both guys pay for the abortion. They both denied the baby and me. I felt dirty, had no support father-wise for baby or me. I cried the whole day, I begged God to forgive me and I swore I'd never do it again. Oh...how I lied.

I did have to do it again because I was so promiscuous I got pregnant again at the age of 20 years old. I did know who the father was but I didn't know him. He was a one night stand again. You talk about a messed up life and on top of that we planned this pregnancy. More of Russian roulette. We...just thought of it as a game (I did). He didn't because he was much much older than I was and wanted kids so I did it to make him happy...

Anyway I moved back to where I lived and the guy was hundreds of miles away on the road... I remember calling my mom because she was my best friend, telling her about how I was pregnant "again". Once again she did not say anything; she never argued or judged me or anything, which sometimes I would cry because I needed her to so I would stop making a mess out of my life. This time I was determined to keep my baby and I remember telling my mom this. All of a sudden as the weeks went by I got scared that I was not going to amount to anything, be on welfare, shame my mother. I did not know depend on the Lord nor trust Him like I should have. The foot was all the way out of the church at this point. I did have another abortion and it was awful.

In the "first" one I was not asleep so I felt the pain. The "second" one I was asleep and woke up and did know where I was (God was definitely with me) because anything could have happened stemming from the fact the "clinic" was like a little hole in the wall. Praise God, yes, Praise God He kept me. I was from that point on very depressed and hopeless. I did finally find Christ even though he was always there and with me.

I now have a beautiful 14 month old daughter and I thought about it with her because I was always the type that would run from my problems instead of allowing God to help me face each and every one of them. I am so glad I didn't [make the same mistake]. She is "the joy of my life" and only God can give that kind of joy after all my sin. Lately I have struggled because I often wonder and wish I would have had the "FAITH" to keep my two other children like I did with my daughter. I've learned even though you are forgiven by God and life does go on you never forget because it was until I actually went through those 9 mos of carrying my daughter from conception onward did I realized that life [begins] at conception. I cry many days because I actually committed murder not once but twice. I see their little faces sometimes whether boy or girl and wish I could hug all "three" of my children.

Look to God in "ALL THINGS, CIRCUMSTANCES ETC..." it is in Him that you will find strength, courage, restoration, and peace to face our "storms of Life". I say to anyone who has had an abortion(s) there is peace and restoration in God. It still hurts and you never forget but He will help you deal with it. His way is the best way...

To those who are considering it "PLEASE" "PLEASE" DON'T give in. Life [is life] even if you can't feel it yet. I was 7 weeks each time I had my abortions and I tried to justify that by saying it wasn't really a life. But it is. You and your baby will grow together, love together, and help each other get through this lifetime."

the above story sent in by Dana, age 25

We went through with the abortion! I still cry today thinking about this! I love my wife and feel great pain at the same time! I know God forgives us both for this terrible thing! I thank Him everyday for the Grace to forgive this terrible sin of abortion! GOD GRANT ME PEACE AND HELP ME TO RIGHT THIS WRONG FOR MY REMAINING DAYS!"

the above story sent in by Aequi, age 55

the above story sent in by Eduardo A., age 41

Every day and every breath I take I remember that I took the life of my first child. Don't let anyone else fool you in believing that it is anything less than premeditated murder. Abortion is the ultimate hate crime and it is time for us to stop killing our children. We have become placid and complainant with this horrible atrocity that has plague our nation way to long. We need to speak up and fight for our children's lives. One out of every four children in America is missing due to abortion and we wonder why we have a labor shortage today. The time to act is now to stop this massacre of our children. If you cast any doubt on the valiantly that abortion is murder, than ask yourself why? If you still doubt than visit an abortion clinic and ask to see an aborted child. The evidence is clear without a doubt. If you still cast any further doubt please read documentation, "Abortion Questions They'd Rather Duck", by Mark Crutcher www.family.org/cforum/research/papers/a0004309.html Read it and than ask yourself why? If you have had an abortion now is the time to speak. I know the pain and the regret is great and that is why we must speak for our children who are never given the chance to speak."

the above story sent in by "Dad", age 36