Being in a vulnerable state of mind I believed her even though I really wanted the baby. My mother made all the arrangements and I just went with the flow. My so-called boyfriend became hard to get in contact with and at the moment when I found out that he would be going away on the day that I was due to go into the hospital I decided that I didn't want to have a child with a guy like that who no doubt would want custody of the baby once it was born. So I didn't put up a fight for my babies rights and let my mum take over.

When I layed there before the operation I asked God that if my life was going to stay this depressing I don't want to wake up from the operation! As I layed there in the operating room I saw the machine that the doctor used during the operation and felt so sick! That night I felt so bad I felt like a murderer but I also believe that what happens, happens for a reason. I would not be Christian today if it weren't for that horrible experience.

I believe that we need to educate teenagers about self-worth and waiting until marriage to have sex instead of using abortion as a contraceptive method."

the above story sent in by Mandie, age 21

My mother was a big influence in my life at that time. She said the only option was an abortion. And I believed her. Ah, the easy way out. I made the appointment and was upset when I found out I would have to be awake for the procedure. But I couldn't back out, my mother was coming from out of town to be with me for "support", I had no choice. I remember trying not to think about it, the days before the procedure I remember putting my hand on my stomach and apologizing asking for forgiveness. The day of the procedure came and as I waited I became quite a basket case. I remember them giving me some drugs to help calm me down. The nurse and doctor said it was not too late to change my mind but they didn't understand, my mother was in the waiting room and if I came out still pregnant she would be very upset and she would not help me. So I went through with it.

As the procedure took place I can still remember 8 years later that I felt the very life ripped out of me. I can't explain the emotions I felt at the very moment it was happening to me, LIFE was being pulled from inside of me and I knew it. A little girl, a little boy, I will never know in this lifetime, but it was LIFE and it was being savagely taken from where God had meant it to be. I knew it that moment that I would carry this feeling and pain for the rest of my life. That what I allowed to happen was not the way it was supposed to be. It was not natural, not something my body was created to do. I was not created to be given the choice of whether a child growing inside of me shall live or die. And it's not even a religious statement I make when I say that necessarily, as mother nature and the way we are created as human beings with feelings and emotions has the body set up to create life and give birth, not destroy it. If we were it would not be so devastating and hauntingly painful to have an abortion. If we were created to have this option than it would not eat at our conscious and burden our souls for a lifetime when we made the decision and went through with an abortion. It has been 8 years and I still ache for the life I so selfishly did not allow to be. I will always think of that pregnancy as my first child.

I have 2 children now, twins actually and I wonder why God would bless me with twins when I am so undeserving. They will never know they could have had a little brother or sister. Please, I tell this story so maybe I can stop one more abortion from happening. Please stop and think about what you are doing, it is not the easy way out believe me. You live with it EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE. The guilt will haunt you for an eternity.

There are so many options. It is NOT the worst thing in the world to find yourself pregnant. There's adoption, so many couples would love a baby when they can't have one of their own. Look at your own circumstances, find help in your area. I am not an overly religious person, I certainly wasn't at the time I found myself pregnant. But I do believe in God and I do believe we were not created to have the choice of abortion. When we become pregnant it is no longer just our body, we share our body with another life. Remember that life inside is innocent, it didn't ask to be created, you don't have the right to destroy it. If I could go back in time I would have a beautiful 8 year old life with me now but I can't and I have to live with that for the rest of my life."

the above story sent in by Anonymous, age 29

the above story sent in by Lisa, age 37

I grew up in a very, very, I cannot stress, dysfunctional family. I think and I know we all have, but anyway it was a small town and I did not want to shame my mother. I got pregnant when I was 17 years old for the "first" time. It was through a one night stand with someone I did not know. Because I did know a little bit about Christ and I had always said and was angry at people who chose abortion--that it was murder and I would never never do that. I was pro-life all the way until...it happened to me so you can say I did not practice what I preached.

I remember like it was yesterday because that is the ugly scar and mark abortion leaves on you and in you. I did not know I was pregnant until I got really, really ill. My mother was a nurse, but she still didn't have a clue. She was my support when we went to the doctor together and she was there with me until the doctor called me back and told me I was pregnant. I thought I was going to pass out. At that point, even though my mother encouraged me to do what I wanted to do, in actuality I needed her to help me and put her arms around me and tell me what to do. That never happened but either way was fine with her as long as it was what I wanted to do and most of my life was like that.

I know my mother loved me and meant me no harm, but she did harm me when she allowed a child all her life to make her own decisions in her life. I had the abortion after trying to decide who I was pregnant by. I ended up having both guys pay for the abortion. They both denied the baby and me. I felt dirty, had no support father-wise for baby or me. I cried the whole day, I begged God to forgive me and I swore I'd never do it again. Oh...how I lied.

I did have to do it again because I was so promiscuous I got pregnant again at the age of 20 years old. I did know who the father was but I didn't know him. He was a one night stand again. You talk about a messed up life and on top of that we planned this pregnancy. More of Russian Rulet. We...just thought of it as a game (I did). He didn't because he was much much older than I was and wanted kids so I did it to make him happy...

Anyway I moved back to where I lived and the guy was hundreds of miles away on the road... I remember calling my mom because she was my best friend, telling her about how I was pregnant "again". Once again she did not say anything; she never argued or judged me or anything, which sometimes I would cry because I needed her to so I would stop making a mess out of my life. This time I was determined to keep my baby and I remember telling my mom this. All of a sudden as the weeks went by I got scared that I was not going to amount to anything, be on welfare, shame my mother. I did not know depend on the Lord nor trust Him like I should have. The foot was all the way out of the church at this point. I did have another abortion and it was awful.

In the "first" one I was not asleep so I felt the pain. The "second" one I was asleep and woke up and did know where I was (God was definitely with me) because anything could have happened stemming from the fact the "clinic" was like a little hole in the wall. Praise God, yes, Praise God He kept me. I was from that point on very depressed and hopeless. I did finally find Christ even though he was always there and with me.

I now have a beautiful 14 month old daughter and I thought about it with her because I was always the type that would run from my problems instead of allowing God to help me face each and every one of them. I am so glad I didn't [make the same mistake]. She is "the joy of my life" and only God can give that kind of joy after all my sin. Lately I have struggled because I often wonder and wish I would have had the "FAITH" to keep my two other children like I did with my daughter. I've learned even though you are forgiven by God and life does go on you never forget because it was until I actually went through those 9 mos of carrying my daughter from conception onward did I realized that life [begins] at conception. I cry many days because I actually committed murder not once but twice. I see their little faces sometimes whether boy or girl and wish I could hug all "three" of my children.

Look to God in "ALL THINGS, CIRCUMSTANCES ETC..." it is in Him that you will find strength, courage, restoration, and peace to face our "storms of Life". I say to anyone who has had an abortion(s) there is peace and restoration in God. It still hurts and you never forget but He will help you deal with it. His way is the best way...

To those who are considering it "PLEASE" "PLEASE" DON'T give in. Life [is life] even if you can't feel it yet. I was 7 wks each time I had my abortions and I tried to justify that by saying it wasn't really a life. But it is. You and your baby will grow together, love together, and help each other get through this lifetime."

the above story sent in by Dana, age 25

Teenagers' needs are different than those of us who did not seek counseling until 10, 20 or more years after our abortions and the standard group agenda needs to be modified to meet those needs. I am seeking any teenager who is post abortive and willing to communicate with me via e-mail regarding their abortion experience and how they think a Teen PACE group could help them. All communications will be kept confidential.

It is my heart's desire to serve these young women by helping them find the comfort and healing their heavenly Father wants so much to give them."

the above story sent in by Holly, age 37
Contact Holly at hcochrane@integrityonline.com

Anyway after finding out about my pregnancy I didn't even consider God's help even though I knew what I had to do. I told only two persons -- my best friend and someone who was next-in-line as a best friend. The latter mentioned, then proceeded to brainstorm as to what avenues we were going to take in getting rid of a baby that I had no consideration for at that time. Within a week I had a doctor and had taken some medication to cause my uterus to contract. By the end of about two weeks I was baby-free.

I didn't think very much about what I had done and how selfish I had been. Even now I don't because it is still a matter that happened where only certain persons know. I am certain that this will haunt me and cause great pain in my life. To sum up all I am saying is to live a pure life, follow God's recipe for your life and stop anything that is not conducive to the way you should live. In the end you will only reap what you sow ... sigh... haven't reaped what I've sown YET."

the above story sent in by Kim

When I was 16 I was a very angry, hurting child inside. And because of that I turned this anger towards my family and towards anything that could hurt me more. My father left my mother when I was 10 years old and my family life turned into my own living hell you could say.

Anyway, at 16 I dated a college guy that I knew my whole family would hate and never accept. I did this out of spite never thinking that this spite would turn around and hurt me.

This college guy told me he loved me, that I was so beautiful, he wanted to marry me, I'll be his forever, I'll never hurt you and all the words I needed to hear. Well, I ended up sleeping with him, my first time. I ended up pregnant.

There was never any doubts about abortion because I knew my family. At first I kept it a secret from everyone except my closest friends. They were going to help me get the abortion done. But as the time drew near I broke down because I could feel the baby growing inside of me and I started to have feelings towards it. I went to my mother hoping she would say, "It is all okay, you can have it and we will love it and help you out." Unfortunately, that never happened. She said, "You have to abort it!" So she scheduled it, paid for it and drove me there. She even went as far to find my counseling at a Christian organization. But as I went in they told me if you have this done you are going to hell! I stood up crying and left that counseling session.

The whole abortion ceremony, I call it, was the darkest day in my life! After the abortion my anger turned to unworthiness, hopelessness and suicidal tendencies.

When I was 23 years old I found Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour. I finally found the truth, the love, the hope, the forgiveness I wanted every since I was 16 years old. Then came the forgiving of myself through the Holy Spirt and through that I asked my unborn child, that I murdered, for forgiveness. I believe from heaven that very day she smiled at me and I knew that it was done.

God has blessed me with a Christian husband and a beautiful son 3 years of age now. My hearts desire is to help any young teens who are contemplating having sex or an abortion because it is not an easy answer to a problem. Sex will not make you a better person. Please, please if you want to abort your baby because you can not afford it, or your parents tell you to, or whatever is the reason, please know that the memory of the abortion never dies. Please give your baby a chance to live, if not with you then to a loving family through adoption."

the above story is dedicated to my unborn child

One day after seriously considering the consequences, I decided to have an abortion. I went to the clinic, and told them that I was ready for an abortion. They in turn told me that it was too late, I was too far along. I screamed and cried, and asked them what was I supposed to do? I could not stay off of my feet, and I had no home. They agreed to review my records, but told me that unless there was a medical reason, I could not have an abortion. I explained that although I was 6 months pregnant, I had never felt my baby move. I had spent every weekend in the emergency room bleeding. They finally agreed to do a sonogram. I felt so relieved! But when they did the sonogram, the technician squealed with delight and told me to look at my baby boy moving around! Another technician turned the monitor and scolded her, telling her that I was there for an abortion. At that point, I realized that I was carrying a living breathing person. There was no way I could have an abortion now!

I got up to leave with the doctor and my best friend chasing me down the hall. I was told that I was bleeding internally and would die within hours if I did not abort. I told them to forget it, that this was a baby, and now that I had proof he was ok, I was not going to consider an abortion. They begged, pleaded and threatened me. It ended with my mother being called in. After hours of tears, and them explaining to me that I was hours away from death, I agreed to the abortion.

I cried and begged my son to forgive me. The saline was injected, and the abortion began. I remember lying in a hospital bed, alone, screaming from the pain. I reached down after an excruciating pain, and felt the tiny foot of my dead child. I screamed.

Even after the abortion, I almost bled to death. I ended up having several D&C's.

I tried to commit suicide a few days after being released from the hospital. I felt that I had committed a murder, and had no right to live.

Before my abortion, I was pro-choice. I have not been able to live with the consequences of my choice. I have prayed and begged God and my unborn son to forgive me. I do not believe that killing a child is a choice.

As a Christian, I feel that life begins at conception. God does not make mistakes. If He creates a child, it has a right to life. We are not God! It is not up to man to decide who should live and who should die! Even under medical circumstances, God is still in charge. If I could do it all over again, I would never have had an abortion. I would've placed my life and my child's life in God's hands. He knows what He is doing.

I live with this every day of my life. Every 21-year-old male I see reminds me of the only son I ever had. I still have not forgiven myself, even though God has. I will never forgive myself for killing my unborn child. The feel of his little foot will haunt me forever.

I know several people who have had abortions, and none of them can forgive themselves. We all thought it was ok at the time. We were all pro-choice. Now we all live with regret, and hope that we can somehow make a difference in the lives in the lives of other unborn children and their mothers."

the above story sent in by Mitzi, age 42

Well, needless to say, I wound up pregnant at 16 years old -- scared to death with nowhere to turn (I felt). I had an abortion. Ever since then I drank and did more and more drugs to forget the murder I committed. I couldn't forgive myself nor did I deserve forgiveness.

I took out my anger on my mom and ended up getting married as soon as I got the chance. Well I had a pretty good marriage to start. Right away I had a baby girl (so I was a dry drunk) then the old feelings started coming back so I started to drink again. I didn't want to feel these things. So after 2 more years I was pregnant again. Another girl I was blessed with, except I started to drink and do cocaine to stuff all the feelings.

I hit my bottom about 1 years later and my now ex-husband saved my life by checking me into a treatment center. There I got the help I needed and started to experience God's forgiveness and grace; that I was a miracle and He had a plan for me. My life started to finally get straightened out. I did get divorced and lose custody of my two girls at that time, but God had more plans in my life.

I have been clean and sober for 11 years now. I am remarried to a wonderful man; I have 2 more daughters and just this past July I got full custody of my other 2 daughters. I know God has forgiven me. I am truly sorry for the abortion that I had and not a day goes by when I do not wonder what he/she would be like. But I know since that I have asked God's forgiveness He has forgiven me. I am also studying to be a nurse. My life has changed and I value the gift of life with each precious minute we are given."

the above story sent in by Kristine, age 36

I've had an unwanted pregnancy and had the abortion to go along with it. After it I felt so bad as if I had killed someone. I did it so fast, so my parents would not find out so I had no time to consider the consequences.

Please, if you feel the need to talk to someone about the mistakes you've made intentionally or not talk to your minister or someone you really trust. There are other options than abortion. God wants that child of his to experience what you have already known of Him."

the above story sent in by Sarah, age 17

My ex-boyfriend and I decided that abortion was the only feasible solution. There was no way that "Little Miss Perfect," as a lot of people called me, could be pregnant. How could I disappoint students at my school who looked up to me as choir president, student body officer, varsity softball team member, National Honor Society member, and most of all, a "Christian." How could I let down my church, who respected me as a soloist and a youth worship leader. How could I hurt my caring family who had done so much for me? How could I ever face God?

Well, two friends and I went to an abortion clinic as planned. As we passed the protestors at the gate, I wondered how I had made a decision that I knew I was so against. After waiting for what seemed like forever, my name was called and I went back with a group of young women to another waiting area. Eventually, I had an ultrasound to determine the age of the "fetus." Nineteen weeks was the diagnosis. The price was going to be much higher than I had expected, so I frantically left the clinic (with my paperwork) to go call my boyfriend for more money.

As I sat waiting for over an hour across the street from the clinic, I just stared at the ultrasound picture attached to my papers. My friend commented that she could see the head and the little body, but I tried to distance myself from the heartbreak I was feeling at the moment.

After finally getting more money, we trudged back over to the clinic. My name had already been called, and the receptionist was irate because I had taken my records. She told me that my pregnancy was too far along for a one-day procedure and that I would have to come back another time. The longer I waited, the more expensive it would be. I felt completely helpless.

About a week after this incident, my friend gave me some information about the harms of abortion to the mothers. I didn't realize there was the possibility of sterility and even death! My decision was made that day: I would have my baby.

I continued to hide my pregnancy until I was five months along. When my mother confronted me about it, we cried all night together. I had been so scared that they would kick me out of the house, but they said they had no intentions of doing that. They just were hurt that I had not come to them sooner with such a major crisis.

After receiving some counseling, I decided I would raise my child. With God and my parents' help, I knew that I could do it.

My daughter is now a beautiful 21-month old with a bright and happy future ahead of her. She has already been such a blessing to everyone around her, and I thank God daily for the opportunity I have to influence her little life.

Today I am going to college full time while working a part-time job. I dream of becoming a high school teacher so that I can be a direct impact in the lives of students in need.

Oh, one more thing: the ultrasound I had at the abortion clinic was a couple of weeks off from the actual age. Had they been right that day, my precious child probably wouldn't be here. Thank you, Lord, for protecting my baby in the womb!"

the above story sent in by Mindy, age 19