I wish I could say that I believe in Jesus Christ, that He loves me and cares, but I no longer believe that.
From a mother who is vicious and has wrecked my adoptive family to the death of my adoptive brother, I no longer believe.
I even find myself wondering if God really exists. I look around at all the Christians who say that they help people who don't know how to ask for it, but they have not even noticed my pain.
If God loved or cared for me, He'd at least help, wouldn't He? But no help has come! Why? God doesn't love me!
Oh, Anna, your letter is so painful! I can't fully understand—and no one really can—how deeply you hurt.
You're caught up in three devastating feelings: hurt, abandonment, and doubt.
It can't be easy to have a “vicious mother” or to go through all the devastation and pain that comes with losing someone you love.
And there's one thing very certain about what's happening in your life right now. It will change you. For better or for worse, it will change you. During difficult times, you either get stronger in your relationship with Christ or you get weaker. You never stay the same.
But in the middle of such agony and pain, it's hard to see things clearly. It may even be difficult to see God's love. I think about Job, a man in the Old Testament who went through difficult times. He lost his whole family, virtually everything he owned, and went through sickness. He felt like you do now, Anna.
Look at what Job said during his difficult times:
If I go to the east, God is not there; if I go to the west, I do not see Him. When He is at work in the north, I catch no sight of Him; when He turns to the south, I cannot see Him (Job 23:8-9).
And I want you to understand, Anna, exactly what Job later understood: That no matter what you feel or what happens, God does exist and He deeply loves you. No matter how awful things become, no matter what happens, we can never be separated from God's love.
But you are right, Anna. Christians will let us down even at some of the most critical and difficult times. Jesus learned this the hard way. When He was arrested—for no crime at all—and was about to be killed on a cross, all His disciples, His closest friends, ran away. They left Him at His darkest hour.
When Christians fail you, though, that doesn't mean that God forgets you. He doesn't. He has a plan for you, Anna. So even in the middle of all your heartbreak, tell God. “I'm going to hold on and wait for You to show me Your kindness and Your love, no matter what happens.”
Wait for the Lord's help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the Lord's help.
If you do that, Anna, I know what will happen. You will come out of all the pain and be a much stronger person. You will say what Job said:
But God knows the way that I take, and when He tested me. I will come out like gold (Job 23:10).
So hang on, Anna, I know you can make it.
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