Ted 2

Prequel: “Ted” (2012)

If someone talks about disturbing movies, the first thing that usually comes to mind is a slasher full of gratuitous gore and brutality. And those movies should definitely be avoided. However, it’s only a matter of opinion whether those movies are more disturbing than sex comedies. Personally, “Ted 2” was one of the most disturbing movies I’ve ever seen. It’s proof that you don’t need nudity or sex scenes to make an extremely filthy, immoral film.

Movie reviews aren’t supposed to rant, but from a moral perspective, it will be almost impossible to honestly review this movie without ranting. Indeed, the very opening of this film is proof of how perverted and depraved the modern culture is. A narrator says: “A talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend… proving that America doesn’t give a s**t about anything.” The talking teddy bear, of course, is fantasy. But there is a tragic truth in that statement regarding other things—yet in the movie, it is said in pride.

For young readers, I’ll just say this: this movie will pervert your mind in ways you can’t imagine. Please don’t read any further. But for mature readers who want more helpful information, I will attempt the challenge of sufficiently discussing the material without making the review itself perverted.

The moviemaking quality is pretty good. The bear looks cute and moves well. The acting is great. The plot is original, especially for a sequel. All Ted’s human rights are being taken away from him, because he’s a stuffed animal. So a court of law must prove that he is a human being. He and his wife also want to have a baby, so they must find a sperm donor. Ted’s buddy Johnny (Mark Wahlberg) may be finding love in one of the lawyers.

Just the plot alone is raunchy, but the movie overflows with sexual jokes of almost every kind. It’s ironic that Ted criticizes Johnny for having porn on his computer; meanwhile he’s often cracking very explicit jokes. There are a few lines in favor of homosexuality. A significant portion of the movie deals with trying to find a sperm donor (although—spoiler—they end up adopting at the end, instead). It’s debatable whether or not sperm donations are sinful themselves, but Ted and Johnny’s first attempt to get sperm is by breaking into a man’s house while he’s asleep—you’ve figured out the rest. In another scene, Johnny is at a sperm bank and a shelf falls on top of him. Of course, this is already extremely crass, but the writers beat the dead horse about it.

This movie also bursts at the seams with profanity. “God” is misused 34 times, “Jesus” 17, “Christ” 8, “Hell” 19, “damn” 9. I counted 101 f-words. One of them is with “mother,” and one is even in a wedding vow. There are 19 f-words in the first 10 minutes, and much of the first 10 minutes is just music with opening titles. 57 s-words, 6 b-words, 2 uses of ni**er, 2 of ba**ard, 1 of mofo, 26 of @$$, 1 of pi$$. Plus there’s all the other vulgar slang sexual terms.

Ted and Johnny are seen smoking pot a few times. There is a fistfight between Ted and Johnny. A cocaine user hits a man in the face. There is a minor car crash. The real violence begins when a large group of people engage in a fistfight—but no injuries are shown. Then a giant TV falls on Johnny, and he has to go to the hospital. The doctors say he died, but it turns out that Johnny was pranking (spoiler I know, but I hope you don’t care).

Positive elements? It’s 1 to 99, but there were a few very minor bits of positive message. One of the lawyers tells Ted that he would have a better chance of winning the case if he had done some good for society, instead of indulging in drugs and prostitutes. This statement can barely count as a positive element, though, because it’s basically hypocrisy in light of the rest of the movie. At the end, John risks his life to save Ted. There are also two good quotes. Ted tells his wife “If we got a kid to love, it will teach us how to love each other better.” He later says to Johnny and his lawyer, “It doesn’t matter what the world calls me; I know who I am… and I know who my friends are.” Sorry, but the defending attorney calling Ted a “gift from God” doesn’t count; if anything, it’s said in vain because of how disgraceful the rest of the movie is.

What more is there to say? This is one of the most morally disgusting movies of the year. While everyone else in the theater was laughing their heads off, I was feeling sick my stomach. (I didn’t feel like buying popcorn for this movie, but now I wish I had, for any kind of relief. But eating while watching this movie might have just made me throw up anyway.) It’s so bent out of shape, too, how the characters fight for Ted’s rights as a human being, but the culture that loves this movie is one that fights for abortion—just because little baby humans can’t express emotion.

A movie about a friendly, talking bear should be cute. I recommend “Paddington,” it’s a family-friendly movie with nice clean humor. But I pray that God will protect people from either of the “Ted” movies, and also that it the franchise will end here. I hope this review was helpful, now please also pray that God will help me forget what I saw and heard.

Violence: Heavy / Profanity: Extreme / Sex/Nudity: Extreme

See list of Relevant Issues—questions-and-answers.