The Curse of the Jade Scorpion

Which is more pathetic: watching Woody Allen pretend to have animal magnetism, or trying to believe that Helen Hunt (“Pay It Forward,” “What Women Want”) can fall for a portly Dan Aykroid? Helen (did I see her flinch when she first kissed Dan?) and Dan have about as much on-screen chemistry as Mr. Rogers and Rosie O'Donnell.

Woody should have cast someone else in the role of investigator C.W. Briggs. Jerry Seinfeld, perhaps? A few times Allen’s delivery was crisp, but most of the time it fell flat. Woody is known to write some funny period pieces in the past, but can he still deliver the knockout punch? “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion” seems to be merely a resume builder for Elizabeth Berkley, Charlize Theron, and Helen Hunt (not that Hunt needed it). Allen is one of the famous and wealthy Hollywood power brokers, but give us a break! Yes, his on-screen kiss with Theron is somewhat inventive, but perhaps he is more of a legend in his own mind then in reality. New plots are in order, Mr. Allen… ones without you as the heartthrob cast with women half your age.

“The Curse of the Jade Scorpion” is about C.W. Briggs (Woody Allen), an insurance investigator working for a company headed by Chris Magruder (Dan Aykroid). C.W. has a long and successful career at solving cases. He even finds a stolen Picasso inside a telescope (Wow! I’m impressed!). Mr. Magruder hires Betty Ann Fitzgerald (Helen Hunt) to be the company’s new “efficiency expert”. She’s gonna clean house and modernize operations in 1940s New York City (at least the costumes and the cinematography are convincing).

A feud develops between Miss Fitzgerald and C.W. Briggs. One stands for the traditional “this is the way we have always done it” and another fights for the firm’s progress. The two enter the ring of competition and begin a long series of verbally sparring with each other (sometimes even using paragraphs). Helen (”Mad About You”) Hunt is convincing as the dame in charge of belittling skirt-chasing Briggs. But her character loses credibility as the mistress of Mr. Magruder and someone who would end up with C.W.

One night a bunch of people from the office goes to a nightclub. Fitzgerald and Briggs are both hypnotized on stage by Voltan (David Ogden Stiers). (It turns out that Voltan wants to turn these two into jewel thieves.) While attempting to solve a case under the influence of hypnotism, Briggs becomes confused. Woody reprises his act from the earlier “Sleepers” (further evidence of the complete lack of new ideas), as he walks around under the curse of the Scorpion.

The banjo music heard during these zombie-like trance scenes was silly at best. His detective work quickly begins to shows that Briggs is chasing his own tail. C.W. stumbles onto Veronica Lake (Charlize Theron) while trying to get some clues. We are supposed to believe that this blonde bombshell is turned on by a 65-year-old man (you tell me who is under hypnosis). Theron is spectacular as the stereotypical seductress. The plot thickens as Briggs gets caught with the goods. He now must convince everyone that he is not the bandit. Will C.W. be able to prove his innocence? Will he be able to break Voltan’s spell? Will he be able to get the girl in the end? I think you already know where this story is going…

The 40s-era music was nice, including some great tunes from Duke Ellington’s “Sophisticated Lady” and Glen Miller’s “Sunrise Serenade”. I even overheard two older movie patrons comment to each other as they left the theater, “well at least the film had nice music”, complete with wooden console radios. The characters were forever puffing on cigarettes and fixing cocktails (though for me this added nothing to the atmosphere of nostalgia).

For the demographics intended (over 50), “Curse” hit its mark. But personally the film did nothing for me. it’s tame for a PG-13 film and viewers will find its contents mildly objectionable. There is one scene where a woman presumably disrobes and tries to seduce a man to have sex. The movie is low on the profanity scale, always a refreshing change. I did smile a few times at some of the lame attempts at comedy (maybe I could be hypnotized to smile more).

This is truly a lite flick—you know, everything you ever wanted in a film and less. It it recommendable? Like rummaging through an antique shop, who knows—perhaps you’ll find a treasure. But for me the jazz was the highlight. Mr. Allen, did you do this one from rote?